From My Inner Child to yours

Surviving a covert narcissistic mother is not for the weak. You experienced things people couldn't imagine, at the hands of your own mother. You had to learn to reparent yourself. To learn that it is safe to have boundaries as a grown ass adult.

You had to learn to trust people again. To learn what love and friendship should be. You wanted to be accepted for who you are, and to know deep down that is the one thing your mother is incapable of doing for you. It’s immensely painful, to grieve someone who is still alive. To know it's safer mentally, spiritually, and physically for you to be apart from her. Her influence to be removed physically from your life, only to still hear her as the negative voice you hear inside your head. The guilt and shame they placed on you. The things held over your head in hopes it could keep you in her grasp. Eventually you might feel like you've had enough. You've tried explaining only for it to fall on deaf ears. The only thing that you haven't tried is 'No Contact'. No contact might seem extreme to the average person, but they've never dealt with a narcissist, let alone been raised by one. You have to choose yourself. You are the only one coming to save little you. No one else can reparent your inner child. It has to be you. You need to become the person that little kid needed. Talk to yourself the way you would speak to them, with kindness, love, and reverence. And often, that is much easier when you can heal away from the narcissist.

It's taken a few years of no contact for me to retrain my nervous system that "the roof isn't on fire". A phrase that I come back to over and over. For years, I always felt like something terrible was just about to happen, like I could sense the roof would cave in from the fire any moment. Except my burning house, was my family of origin. My mother and I had been at odds for as long as I can recall. The older I got, the worse it got. Because she took every single step I took toward independence as a threat. She kneecapped me at every opportunity. She tore me down and made sure I returned to my cage like a good daughter, to stay in her grasp forever. And I rebelled at every turn. I wasn’t meant to be caged by my mother, and despite her best efforts, I will never be.

Healing becomes so much easier when you remove the narcissist from your daily life. The authority they once held over you fades with each passing day. You reclaim your inner monologue and thoughts from the loops they kept you in. You will learn to expand and grow beyond your wildest dreams when they are no longer there, clipping your wings.